The universe seems to want me to think about death this month. Not my first choice.
First, I witnessed a man get killed when he sprinted across a busy street.
Then, my ex-husband’s grandmother died.
And then Sunday, the dog I got when I was 19 developed a fast-growing cancerous tumor and had to be put down.
Clearly, there’s a lesson here.
I think the lesson is about self-sufficiency, about living in the moment.
I think of the man that was killed on the street and I think, that’s too pointless. He was a person with a life and a family and people who loved him and because he wanted to get across the street quickly, it’s just over.
Mema…that was hard. I loved her so much during the marriage, but after the most epic divorce in Texas history, it wouldn’t have been appropriate to see her or talk to her, and she wouldn’t have remembered me anyway, she had Alzheimer’s. And I couldn’t go to the funeral, either, for obvious reasons. It was less of a death for me in that way, and more the realization that she was lost to me when I left my husband.
Cali was my constant companion. No matter what happened, from the time I got her she was always there. And now, that’s not true. And the house is quiet without her.
The thing is…I spend too much time planning my future and not enough time living. My addiction to my electronics is part of that problem, too, of course. I like my virtual world better than my real world. Life comes with no guarantees. We could make a bad decision and be gone tomorrow. We could lose our friends and our families at any time. We could have the basic shape of your life changed at any time.
The question isn’t, how to prevent that from happening, because you can’t. The question isn’t how to cope with losing people you love, because when it happens, you do cope out of necessity. The question is, how can you live your life so that you have the minimum of regrets when it happens?
Do I wish I’d walked Cali more? Of course. Would I feel that no matter how many walks I took her on? Probably.
But I do regret not keeping some form of contact with Mema, even if it was just sending her pictures of the girls.
And I think, I’m still in the process of shaping my life. If I were hit by a car today, I’d feel outraged and robbed because I’m not done yet. I’m not even close to done. I’m just beginning to build the life that I want.
So that’s my takeaway from this series of events. More living, less planning. More dreams fulfilled than dreams created. Go hard, go strong, allow no excuses, take no prisoners.
Wise thoughts, Alice.